优秀译文点评

北京 赵岩 （ID：Olive）

I fail to see through your lost soul

I cannot understand the color of the pupil of your eyes

It is just like a breeze and a dream. Love is as changeable as life.

What on earth is your mind confused?

I see your contours disappearing in the dark night

What will the peach blossoms turn out to be?

You are holding me in your arms but your eyes are imbued with loneliness

I'd better let you be happy in other's arms

Loving you like the heartbeat hard to touch

Painting you but the skeleton hard to paint

Remembering you remains my will of waiting

You are a song that never ends

(My heart will only want to do anything for you)

外编点评：这篇译文将歌词转变成了诗歌的形式，不错！不过有些词使用得不太合适。“pupil”看上去让人联想到诊所，应该换成“eyes”，“contours”也不太合适，理解起来费劲，用“form”会更好，在英语中没有“Skeleton hard to paint”这样的表达，可以改成“painting you, but I cannot reach inside”，这样既没有按字面意思译，又保留了原意。“Remembering you remains my will of waiting”，这句话感觉怪怪的，应该改成“Remembering you remains my only desire”。

 

云南民族大学外国语学院 李志凌 （ID：Roger）

《画皮》主题曲：画心Paint Your Soul

作曲：藤原育郎

作词：陈少琪

歌手：张靓颖

Melody by：IKURO FUJIWARA

Lyrics by: Chen Shaoqi

Singer: Zhang Liangying

I can't see the lost soul of yours; I can't tell the true color of your eyes. Love is wind; love is dream, hard to take as fate should be. Tell me what ever caught your heart so bad? Your outlook dims away in the dark night. I want to find out how bloom ends in sight. In your arms seeing your eyes I feel lonely moonlight; Let you be, be in sweet arms, not mine. Loving you, tracking heart, are so mad. Painting you shapes it out but not your soul. Never let go your face is my whole life's word. You're the song I'll be singing for long. I can't see the lost soul of yours; I can't tell the true color of your eyes. Love is wind; love is dream, tied to life as fate should be. Tell me what ever caught your heart so bad? Your outlook dims away in the dark night. I want to find out how bloom ends in sight. In your arms seeing your eyes I feel loner than the light; Let you be, be in sweet arms, not mine. Loving you, tracking heart, are so mad. Painting you shapes it out but not your soul. Never let go your face is my whole life's word. Oh, my heart is only saved for you!

外编点评：这篇译文应该下了一些功夫，译得不错，不过有些地方需要注意。来看这个句子：“Your outlook dims away in the dark night”，首先“outlook”的意思是“a viewpoint”，你想表达的意思应该是“outline”，就算用“outline”也不太合适，你应该用“figure”或“form”。通常应该说“fades away”而不是“dims away”，“dims”通常被当作形容词来使用。句式与中文的句式太接近了，例如，“be, be” 和“never let go of your face”，应该使句式更具有连贯性，如果换成“never letting go of your face”或“letting you be”就好多了。