题目
电影《画皮》主题曲:画心
作曲:藤原育郎
作词:陈少琪
歌手:张靓颖
看不穿 是你失落的魂魄
猜不透 是你瞳孔的颜色
一阵风 一场梦 爱如生命般莫测
你的心 到底被什么蛊惑
你的轮廓在黑夜之中淹没
看桃花 开出怎样的结果
看着你抱着我 目光似月色寂寞
就让你 在别人怀里快乐
爱着你 像心跳难触摸
画着你 画不出你的骨骼
记着你的脸色 是我等你的执着
你是我 一首唱不完的歌
我的心 只愿为你而割舍
2009年第一期翻译擂台
优秀译文点评
北京 赵岩 (ID:Olive)
I fail to see through your lost soul
I cannot understand the color of the pupil of your eyes
It is just like a breeze and a dream. Love is as changeable as life.
What on earth is your mind confused?
I see your contours disappearing in the dark night
What will the peach blossoms turn out to be?
You are holding me in your arms but your eyes are imbued with loneliness
I'd better let you be happy in other's arms
Loving you like the heartbeat hard to touch
Painting you but the skeleton hard to paint
Remembering you remains my will of waiting
You are a song that never ends
(My heart will only want to do anything for you)
外编点评:这篇译文将歌词转变成了诗歌的形式,不错!不过有些词使用得不太合适。“pupil”看上去让人联想到诊所,应该换成“eyes”,“contours”也不太合适,理解起来费劲,用“form”会更好,在英语中没有“Skeleton hard to paint”这样的表达,可以改成“painting you, but I cannot reach inside”,这样既没有按字面意思译,又保留了原意。“Remembering you remains my will of waiting”,这句话感觉怪怪的,应该改成“Remembering you remains my only desire”。
云南民族大学外国语学院 李志凌 (ID:Roger)
《画皮》主题曲:画心Paint Your Soul
作曲:藤原育郎
作词:陈少琪
歌手:张靓颖
Melody by:IKURO FUJIWARA
Lyrics by: Chen Shaoqi
Singer: Zhang Liangying
I can't see the lost soul of yours; I can't tell the true color of your eyes. Love is wind; love is dream, hard to take as fate should be. Tell me what ever caught your heart so bad? Your outlook dims away in the dark night. I want to find out how bloom ends in sight. In your arms seeing your eyes I feel lonely moonlight; Let you be, be in sweet arms, not mine. Loving you, tracking heart, are so mad. Painting you shapes it out but not your soul. Never let go your face is my whole life's word. You're the song I'll be singing for long. I can't see the lost soul of yours; I can't tell the true color of your eyes. Love is wind; love is dream, tied to life as fate should be. Tell me what ever caught your heart so bad? Your outlook dims away in the dark night. I want to find out how bloom ends in sight. In your arms seeing your eyes I feel loner than the light; Let you be, be in sweet arms, not mine. Loving you, tracking heart, are so mad. Painting you shapes it out but not your soul. Never let go your face is my whole life's word. Oh, my heart is only saved for you!
外编点评:这篇译文应该下了一些功夫,译得不错,不过有些地方需要注意。来看这个句子:“Your outlook dims away in the dark night”,首先“outlook”的意思是“a viewpoint”,你想表达的意思应该是“outline”,就算用“outline”也不太合适,你应该用“figure”或“form”。通常应该说“fades away”而不是“dims away”,“dims”通常被当作形容词来使用。句式与中文的句式太接近了,例如,“be, be” 和“never let go of your face”,应该使句式更具有连贯性,如果换成“never letting go of your face”或“letting you be”就好多了。